


Radiance in the Dark

by CuratioLethe



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-04
Updated: 2014-03-06
Packaged: 2018-01-11 04:33:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1168755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CuratioLethe/pseuds/CuratioLethe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the second time in his very long life,  the Doctor had sacrificed the very thing that matter to him the most.<br/>( A look into the repercussions of the events that took place in the episode, “Dalek”)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to the lovely lauraxxtennant for a fantastic beta-ing job. Go give her a follow on the Tumblr, she's fabulous, as is her writing.   
> 

The Doctor pushed a lever up, then back down; adjusted this knob, twisted that handle and pushed a few buttons that he didn’t particularly pay attention to. More often than not, being psychically linked to his beautiful time ship was a blessing; she could sense his state of mind, what he was thinking and feeling, and always knew the perfect medium between what he wanted and what he _needed_.

Like, for instance, how he needed to simply exist in this moment, to not think or control or focus; simply do. She gave him the freedom for this, temporarily cutting off control and keeping herself steady inside of the vortex, drifting at a leisurely pace.

It wouldn’t have been the first time. In fact the TARDIS had auto piloted several times after the war; times when the Doctor had been too unstable mentally or emotionally to make the best decisions with all of time and space at his fingertips and the guilt of a double genocide weighing on his shoulders as the lone survivor.

Except he hadn’t been, as he had learned today, not really.

A Dalek, of all the things to find there, on that tiny rock of dirt and life known as Earth . A Dalek had survived. A fact that was currently trying to tear apart any semblance of balance he had managed to cling to in the company of everyone who had managed to survive it.

Circumstances aside, it was as if he had been throttled back in time. Because for the second time in his life, it was a Dalek that stood between him and the thing that mattered to him the most. For the second time in his very long life, the Doctor had had to make the choice to sacrifice his world in order to put an end to the terror and horror that only a Dalek could bring about.

Suddenly all of that blood was fresh on his hands. Again.  
And Rose’s would have been a bone deep stain among the rest.

Only this time, he had been miraculously, incredibly, _blessedly_ granted a reprieve. This time, whatever deity it was that he didn’t believe in, had been smiling down on him.

Rose had some how managed to survive.

No, she had come back from the dead; had come back to him from the grave he had been so quick to bury her in, within that bunker and within himself. In the most hidden parts of himself that he refused to face, the parts that held the countless faces of every Gallifreyan who went up in flames the day he had slaughtered them.

She would have become one of them.

And that knowledge was currently eating him alive.

His hands had begun to shake at some point during his torrent of thoughts and he gripped the sides of the console, bracing himself and allowing his head to hang for a moment, taking a few deep breaths to try and calm the unsteady pattern his hearts had started to thrum out.

Rose. So young and so full of life. Eyes so vibrant and a smile that _radiated_ warmth when she was genuinely happy. He hadn’t realized how much he had come to rely on that tongue-touched grin; not until the moments in which he was sure he’d never again see it.

He needed to see it again. Now.

He would just check on her, he told himself as he pushed away from the console and turned to make his way down the hallway than led to her room, just check to make sure she was alright after the day’s events. He had been so wrapped up in his own thoughts when she and Adam had retreated to find the ships newest, (and most assuredly _temporary_ ) occupant a room to stay in that he hadn’t really paid either of them any attention.

And now, in the solitude and gentle hum of the TARDIS, he realized that having her out of his sight just then was not an option. He needed to see her, to see her face light up, to hear her breathe, just to prove to himself that she was still here, still with him. That he hadn’t had some sort of a breakdown and hallucinated her coming on broad.

  
The door to her room was as ordinary as the rest of the bedroom doors, blank, the surface of the wood unmarred and flawless. He paused as he reached it, studying it for a moment before withdrawing the sonic from the inner pocket of his leather jacket, adjusted a setting and he began to inscribe in Gallifreyan on its surface. The wood smoked slightly, but the word cooled quickly enough and he ran his finger over it upon its completion, feeling a small, yet steady bit of comfort at seeing it there.

After a mental inquiry to the TARDIS, in which she informed him that Rose was currently in the en suite, the Doctor let himself into her bedroom. He took a moment to glance around, having only been in here once before to drop off her bag after leaving London the last time they had visited.

The TARDIS had initially decorated the room for Rose, as it had for his previous companions. Being not only sentient, but psychic as well, she tended to decorate according to a mixture of the occupants taste and the TARDIS’ personal preference for the person.

The walls in here were cream in color, with constellations mapped out in silver that danced around the room in a lazy waltz and, in the low light, glowed faintly. There was a dresser made of solid dark wood as well as a vanity of the same fashion, its top covered with tubes and bottles and makeup brushes.

The duvet was a pale pink and he felt himself gravitate towards it, sitting down heavily on the edge of the bed with his back to the bathroom door so that when she emerged, she would have time to cover herself if need be.

He leaned forward and cradled his head in his hands, using his knees to prop his elbows up and listened to the ever present calming lull of the time machine around him.

He didn’t have to wait long, fortunately enough, as moments later the door opened. He heard her soft intake of breath, the sudden increase in her heart beat, but decided against moving just yet, leaving the first move up to her.

The rustle of fabric signified her dressing after a few moments of silence and he felt the bed dip beside him, felt her leg brush against his as she settled against him.

"I think you missed a turn in the hallway Doctor. This is _my_ room.” He could hear the teasing tone with which she spoke, trying to ease into an explanation as to why he was there.

"I’m kind of nervous about what I’d find in yours though, since you’re still in here. Think there might have been a few things you neglected to tell me. Love to see what shade of lipstick you prefer… I have a lovely Rose Amour that would really bring out the color of your eyes.”

"You could have died today."  
"But I didn’t."

He sat up and looked at her; her face was scrubbed clean of makeup, her hair wrapped in a towel and she had on nothing but her dressing gown, tied snugly around her middle. When their eyes met, her own widened and he could guess that his expression wasn’t of the most composed nature.

"That Dalek could have, would have, killed you."

"But it didn’t. "

He felt his expression harden. “Don’t you get it? You would have been dead Rose. No more Rose Tyler, no more adventures, no more future. And what about Jackie, hmm? Your mother would have had to bury her only child.”

She sat back as if he had physically struck her, her brow furrowing but didn’t respond.

"I promised her I’d bring you back, safe, and it’s obvious that I can’t keep that promise."  
"What are you saying, Doctor?"  
He didn’t respond, instead letting his eyes slide away from her.

"You can’t take me back. I won’t go." She pushed away from him and stood, turning to stand in front of him with her arms crossed. He looked up at her; her face set, anger radiating from her body, shoulders tense. He could hear her heart suddenly pick up rhythm, pounding against her rib cage and he revelled in the sound, in the proof that she was alive.

"You’re her only kid, Rose. How could I have faced her if I only had your corpse to bring back?"

"But that’s not even an issue, because I’m fine. I surviv-"

"This time. You survived this time. But that makes it what, four times you’ve almost haven’t since you’ve been with me now? Five since we’ve met? Five times you could have been killed and Jackie would be completely alone. Is that what you want Rose, for your mum to have to bury you?"

"That’s not fair. "

"Why not? Because it’s true?" His voice hardened and he swallowed. He couldn’t possibly fathom leaving her behind now; she had become an integral part of the TARDIS and the idea was about as ludicrous as having all of the oxygen filtered out, so he wasn’t entirely sure why he suddenly sounded as if he were trying to convince her of it.

"This life, it’s not safe Rose. Being with me, traveling, it’s dangerous. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, an entire future. Don’t need to go cuttin’ it short for no reason."

"Why are you acting like being on Earth would somehow guarantee my safety? I almost died the night we met. In fact, if you hadn’t been there, I would have died. And forget about the aliens for a mo’, I could die any day, any place or time. Car accident, sickness, I could choke to death or… or be murdered or somethin’."

  
He flinched at the idea of someone, another human being at that, ending this precious girl before him and instantly rejected the notion before looking up at her, into eyes that had sparked to life with anger and stubborn indignation. His hearts thrummed out another unsteady beat before constricting as his imagination whispered to him of that being stomped out.

"Rose…" His voice cracked, his tone heavy with something he didn’t bother trying to hide. Not this night, not right now. The entire ordeal with the Dalek had cracked him open wide, stirred him up and broken open the carefully constructed box he had taken to stuffing his feelings into, especially the ones for this tiny little human who was so much more, so much _bigger_ , on the inside.

  
Or perhaps he hadn’t done such a great job of hiding them after all. A Dalek, a creature created with nothing but the capacity to hate had so quickly called him out on it, its words ringing in his ears, over and over again.

_The woman you love_

"But then I don’t have to know about it." He whispered raggedly, suddenly unable to muster the will to contain it any longer and her eyes widened, slowly unfolding her arms and allowing them to hang limply at her sides. He didn’t let himself think as he reached out for her and rested a hand on her hip, drawing her body so close that she was standing between his knees and from his seated position on the bed, had the perfect angle to bury his face in the soft cotton that covered her abdomen. "I wont ever have to lose you in that way, and Rose… I _can’t_ ever lose you like that.”

His arms snaked up around her waist and he clung to her. “I can’t ever be the one who gets you killed. I almost lost you today, Rose. I locked you away with that Dalek and left you to die. I would have been just as responsible for your death as it was.”

Her body had tensed up with his action, but melted against him soon enough and her hands came up to rest against the back of his head and neck as he spoke. She was quiet for a while, beginning to gently stroke the close crop of his hair and he committed the sensation of her fingers to memory. He could feel the steady beat of her heart against his forehead, its rhythm steadily picking up pace the longer he stayed there and he heard her swallow. Her fingers trailed from the back of his head to his neck, following the line of his jaw until they rested just under his chin; she tilted his face up towards her.

Brown met blue as they stared at each other, into each other.  
Time slowed around them as neither of them dared to blink.  
There was something in her eyes that he couldn’t possibly fathom.  
They flickered gold.  
His hearts reacted.  
He stopped breathing.

Time stilled outside of her.  
And then her lips met his.


	2. Chapter 2

It was a moment that was suddenly, irrevocably fixed in time.

In that instant, the time lines were in perfect flux, in complete synchronization. This was an event that was always meant to have happened. It was something vast and monumental, something of importance.

An event that, should it ever be altered, could rip the fabric of reality apart.  
Somewhere deep inside of him something clicked. As if he had been missing some vital piece and it had been snapped into place. As if he had been waiting to breathe his entire life and had finally been given air. The contact of her lips pressed against his sent a ripple throughout him, like a shock wave that ignited each and every atom in his body.

Rose pulled back with a sharp intake of breath and pressed her lips together as they stared at each other. A blush had long since graced her cheeks, giving her the color of her namesake and it was stirring up a reaction within him that he had been working fervently to ignore since the night that she had stood before him in a lovely black gown that had left him unable to say anything more than "You look /beautiful/."

But this brief insight into what he had been denying himself seemed to have opened up a floodgate. He stood, managing to do so without putting any distance between them and looked down at her searchingly as he reached up to tug the towel from around her head, letting it fall to the floor unceremoniously.  
Blonde hair hung limp and damp, and he couldn't keep himself from reaching out to run his fingers through it, tousling it in a further state of disarray before tucking it behind her ears, not bother to deny himself the chance to touch her in the process. Her lips parted slightly, her eyes becoming lidded and he let his hands linger to cradle either side of her face.  
Slowly, ever so slowly, with his gaze trained on hers, he lowered his head until their lips were a breath apart. His thumb ghosted over the skin just below her eye, feeling her body tremor against his own in correspondence. They were suspended in a moment of hesitation and anticipation.

There were so many things unspoken in the way that she was looking back at him just then, so many things that he both needed and feared. And although they were things better left unnamed, among them was no trace of regret, no trace of uncertainty.  
Just as she always had, Rose stood before him in total acceptance.  
He was the Oncoming Storm, the last of the Time Lords and self proclaimed highest authority of the heavens. And Rose Tyler, tiny little being that she was, made him feel so small, so... human.

/Rassilion/, he loved her.  
Thoughts and reason were forgotten as he closed the remaining distance between them, their lips melted into one another, fitting together perfectly. His mouth molded against soft compliance and he pressed into her gently. His movements were tentative, gentle and questioning.

She answered; returning the pressure against him and everything exploded in a vibrant spark of colors and lights that left him dizzy and boneless. He felt her fingers curl around his wrist, but they weren't protesting him. Instead they seemed to be holding him in place as one of his hands slid to cup the back of her head, threading through the hair at the base of her neck, and the other trailed the length of her spine,looping around her waist and securing her body against his. He didn't suspect she would be going anywhere of her own violation, but to lose this contact just then would have left him unhinged and unbalanced in a way he wasn't quite sure he'd recover from.

The universe ceased to exist for them, giving them this moment of perfection. A moment that could stretch on for centuries, or could last for several seconds and he wouldn't have known the difference. Her fingers slid deftly over his cheeks, coming to rest just below his ears and the gentle friction of her skin against his own caused an involuntary shudder along his spine. The need he had felt before to be near her suddenly flared again, scorching, and it loosened something more, something darker in the pit of his stomach.  
Alarm spiked for a moment in the back of his mind and he began to pull away...

And then he felt her lips part and her tongue came out to seek entrance and he granted it to her, meeting her advance in return. Their tongues slid against each other, familarizing the texture and taste and his hearts constricted at the sensation. Coupled with reality of suddenly having Rose this way, it began to trigger a physical response; awakening desires and urges that had never been expressed in this body. He groaned and tilted her head for a better angle and she obliged happily, bringing her arms up to wrap around his neck.

Everything about her was light and warmth. A brilliance that was spilling into him, filling him with sensations he had never experienced. She tasted like incandescence and faintly of mint toothpaste, her mouth was warm and her scent reminded him of sunflowers. And despite her lack of telepathic capabilities, Rose was suddenly inside of him. She surrounded him, her presence touching the very depth of his soul and it filled him so completely that he was lost within her.   
Rose was everything he had never known he had been missing, the very thing he had been searching all of time and space for, without even realizing he had been looking.  
The urge to posses and to consume her flared within him, only heightened by the still present fear of losing her. Losing the single most precious thing he had ever been blessed to hold. And she had very nearly slipped right through his fingers.

His mouth on hers grew desperate, his touch on her metamorphosing into a demanding grasp of dominance, twisting the moment of beautiful acquaintance between body and soul into a contest of power and control that she would have no hope of winning.  
Rose trailed her hands from his neck down to his shoulders and slipped them beneath his jacket, her fingers doing strange things to the skin under his jumper as she guided the leather down his arms. He allowed the loss of contact with her body only long enough for the garment to fall to the floor and then his hands were skimming her sides, finding purchase at her waist. He walked her back until the wall refused to allow them to go any further and his hands gripped her, hoisting her up. 

Rose wrapped her legs around his waist and she broke the kiss, her chest heaving where it was pressed flush against his as she struggled to catch her breath and his mouth trailed from hers to her jaw, marking his path in an alternation of kisses and nips, his tongue filling the spaces in between. His journey ended at her pulse which jumped out at him in the rapid pattern of beats of her heart and he latched onto the spot, claiming it with his mouth and marking into her skin a sign of his ownership of her. His hands were every where he could possibly get them as he searched for more of her; more to touch, to feel, more of her to taste.

Rose let out a series of soft noises that was driving him mad as her nails scraped gently along the back of his neck and hair line, fueling his need for her, to claim her in ways that would ensure she could never leave him.  
His body was far too sensitive and stretched too tight and he rolled his hips in to meet hers. She would have no problem feeling his current physical state despite the barrier of restraining cloth his trousers provided and she responded in kind, arching into him. If there had been any space between them before, it was gone now as she latched onto him even tighter, clinging to him as if her life depended on it. She turned her head back towards him and nuzzled the skin just below his ear, her lips and tongue soothing the skin and doing the complete opposite to the rest of him.

"D-Doctor..." His name spoken in the breathy tremors of her voice nearly undid him.  
He would claim her body, possess her mind and bind her soul to his, knitting them together the way that he could feel they belonged. She would never need anyone else; not her mother or Mickey, only him. He would become everything to her. He would fill her in places that she had never even known had been empty. He would imprint himself on her very DNA and she would belong to only to him. Forever.  
The Doctor reached up to tug at the dressing gown and it loosened from the sash around her waist, revealing to him the slope of her breast. The smell of her heightening arousal was a perfume that intoxicated him, pushing him even further over the edge. His hands no longer moved under his command; he was lost in the need that totally encompassed him, swallowing his ability to think or reason.

Rose would never leave him.

His mouth latched onto her collarbone with fervour, his teeth sinking into the skin at the same moment that he rolled his hips into her again.

Even long after the laws of human nature tried to claim her life, she would live. Because he would mold the very cells of her body into his own Time Lord image, preserving her for eternity.

She cried out then, the sound loud and much sharper then the moans that had mellowed in his ears like music and it sliced through the haze that had enveloped his mind. With painfully startling clarity, he yanked his head back to stare at her in horror.

Her lips were swollen and red, her cheeks flushed and her eyes glittered back at him, before she blinked and they cleared slightly. Her brow furrowed at his expression and she made to bring a hand up to touch his cheek. "Doctor?"  
He didn't allow her to get that far, shaking his head once, sharply and he gently lowered her back onto her feet.

"What is it? What's wrong?"  
He couldn't answer. Instead he took a step back, a step away from her and turned, running his hands over his face, trying to control the worrisome hitch his breathing had suddenly developed as a new kind of fear blossomed within him, effectively killing any and all traces of physical arousal. 

Fear for Rose, fear of what he had just been on the verge of doing. Fear of himself.

"Rose..." 

Her hand came to rest against his shoulder and he flinched away from it out of instinct, his nerves strained and frayed. He turned back to look at her, catching the look of hurt and rejection that briefly crossed her features and she pulled back her hand back, instead lifting it to tug her dressing gown closed and holding it so by crossing her arms over her middle. The look in her eyes, uncertain and suddenly guarded sent him spiraling even further downward and he mentally kicked himself.

"I shouldn't have done that." He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his trousers and looked down at the floor. He had let his guard down and had gotten carried away; the things he would have done to her, things he had come so very close to doing, without her consent or even her awareness of them. Things that were so much worse then anything she could possibly even imagine. He was suddenly disgusted with himself at the prospect.  
Rose wasn't safe, even from him. He turned towards the wall, stared at it for a moment and reared his arm back to punch it without warning, letting out a string of curses in hissed tones as he did so.  
"Doctor!"  
"That was so stupid of me Rose, I'm so sorry."

A silence fell between them for a series of seconds and he glared down at the spilt skin of his knuckle. It wasn't bleeding, but it would defintely bruise. Either way, the self[-]inflicted injury seemed to help with his frazzled nerves as the inner argument of which event of day he should hate himself more for continued to wage. He heard her inhale deeply, and then once more before she finally responded in a slightly rattled manner.  
"You're... Why would you-/What/?"

Even if she didn't know the extent of it, (and there was no way in any version of hell that exisited in the universe that he would ever tell her about it) the fact that he had taken advantage of something she had probably meant to be a simple token of comfort and attempted to twist it into something more, to push her into something she couldn't possibly want with him, would have been enough to leave her just as disgusted with him as he was of himself.

And she couldn't want that with him. Not someone as broken and deranged as he was. Not someone who could have taken the lives of their own people. And certainly not someone who had left her at the mercy of a creature that knew none. No, Rose couldn't possible want that with him, not after everything she now knew about him.

"Should never have done that. I came in here to check on you and I just got carried away. It won't ever happen again. I'm so sorry." He took a shuddering breath and rested his forehead against the wall. /Please don't ask me to take you home. I can't let you go./

"What are you /talking/ about?" Her voice was incredulous and his hearts thumped unevenly against his rib cage. He heard her move closer, closing the distance between them. "Don't you dare apologize for that. "

"You don't understand."

"I don't care. That was the most..." Her breath hitched mid-sentence and he felt her shift next to him.  
He turned his head a fraction of an inch and glanced at her from the corner of his eye. She still had her arms crossed, but she was facing him fully, her hip and shoulder pressed against the wall, head cocked to the side. Her eyes were skyward, and her bottom lip captured between her teeth as she tried to find whatever words she was looking for. 

"I don't know how things like that work for you lot.. for aliens or Time Lords or whatever. But I've never felt that before." Her gaze dropped back to him., "Not with anyone. Ever. It was like there was this kind of ..singin' in my head....and the kiss... it felt..."  
She suddenly laughed and her smile did wonders for him. "I can't even think of the word... nothing seems quite right."

His heart beats quicken and he turned to mirror her position, keeping the space between them, only reaching up to cup her cheek with his uninjured hand. "You heard that?"  
She nodded, tilting her face into the warmth of his hand and he had to bite back to urge to kiss her again. "What was it?"

"It was me."  
Her brow furrowed in thought and she brought her own hand up to cover his, her thumb rubbing the back of his hand languidly. "You were inside my head?"  
"Not really inside.. more like exposed to it. Its complicated."  
"Can you hear what I'm thinkin' then?"  
"Yeah... but I'd never do that."

He absentmindedly ran his his thumb to trace her bottom lip, ghosting over the soft flesh. He heard her breath hitch slightly and quickly ceased the motion but couldn't pull his hand back as she held it to her face.  
"Well, that's alright then, I s'pose."  
"Really now?"  
"Mhmm."  
"You're just /alright/ with that then, are you? Not bothered in the slightest that I can do that?"  
"I think I've seen enough by now that somethin' like that isn't much of a surprise."  
"And you're not the least bit concerned that I've read your thoughts at some point without asking, like with the TARDIS?"  
"I think if you had, /that/ would have happened a whole lot sooner."  
His eyes darted from the point on the wall behind her that he had fixated on back to her face and there was that smile, her mouth pulled wide, tongue trapped between her teeth and he couldn't stop himself, he moved closer again. His expression contorted in his conflict and he could feel how exposed his emotions were on his face just then. His other hand came up to touch her and her teasing grin slowly melted into something infinitely more tender. He bent forward and kissed the corner of her mouth, before resting his forehead against hers and closing his eyes,inhaling a shaky breath. 

"I don't do things like this, Rose."  
"Why not?" She answered without hesitation, as if she had been expecting as much.  
"It complicates things; besides I didn't bring you along for this. Wouldn't want you to think-"  
"I don't."  
"Good. Even still, it's not right. I'm nine hundred years old.. You're nineteen. You're practically a child compared to me."  
"Then don't make comparisons."

He opened his eye to peer at her and she was looking back at him, her expression was wiped free of any trace of humor, replaced instead with only sincerity. He wasn't sure how to respond.  
"Is it true?" She asked then and she rested a hand on his chest, idly playing with the fabric of his jumper, her eyes refusing to meet his.

"Is what true?" He pulled back to watch her, suddenly distracted and completely taken with the way the flush spread across her cheeks. She was so lovely...

"What the Dalek said... Do you..."  
Their breathing hitched simultaneously and he couldn't respond. Time to seemed to stand still for them as if it too awaited his response and yet words were failing him. Instead, swallowing hard, he pulled her into the circle of his arms, holding her body incredibly close, and her arms snaked out to hold onto him nearly as tightly, her face buried in his chest.

The feel of her breathing against his hand on her back did more to comfort him then than he had any right to expect, and he brought his other hand up to run through her hair, smoothing it away from her face in soft strokes. He buried his nose against he top of her head and inhaled, committing her wonderful scent, the feel of her in his arms to memory. There was more spoken between them as they held each other in those moments then he could have possibly ever expressed in words. Because this embrace was so very different from any they had ever shared. And he had a feeling that it would be the last of its kind for a very, very long time.

She lifted her head then and their noses brushed, eyes peering into each other, seeing more in ways that neither of them ever had.

"Because I do."  
The breath was stolen from him then in an instant, as if she had reached right inside of him and scooped it out, leaving her fingerprints in its wake. And he couldn't stop himself from closing the distance between them again.

This kiss was chaste and slow. His tongue slipped between her lips and met her own and he poured into her all the things that he needed her to feel. She responded in kind and he was suddenly so utterly captivated by her in every capacity.

Rose Tyler was the most amazing thing he had ever encountered.  
He broke the kiss reluctantly then, almost painful in the effort it took and it occurred to him that he could happily spend the rest of his lives doing nothing but kiss her and they would have been complete.  
She pulled back as well and a shock went through him to see a glisten of tears in her eyes. He made a mental note to jump into a black hole later and he reached up to capture one that had gotten caught in her lashes.

"Please, Doctor..."  
"I can't."  
"You're hurting, I can see that.Just let me help you."  
"Rose.."  
"Just this once, That[’]s all I'm askin'. Then we never even have to talk about it again. I can't stand to see you like this."

"I..I /can't/"  
"Why not?!" There was a sort of raw desperation in her voice, an inflection of need that he felt in ever fibre of his body and it rattled his bones. He swallowed hard.  
"Because I can't... I can't trust myself with you."  
"Then don't. Trust me instead."

Several seconds passed between them in a space of one and he could hold back no more; his resolve broke. He couldn't fight that, because if there was anything he did trust in this universe, if there was anything left for him to rely on,It was her.   
He lowered his head then and allowed himself to surrender to the crescendo that had built between them.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains smut.  
> If that's something that makes you uncomfortable, you can stop reading when you get to this line /~/~/~/~/~/ and skip down until you see it a second time to resume safe reading.

It was her turn to walk him backwards and his body seemed to have become wired to respond to hers as he followed her lead, stepping back until he felt the edge of the bed against his legs. He slowed the kiss before pulling away to stare at her imploringly."You're sure about this?"

She nodded and leaned forward to kiss him again, but he pulled back before she could. "Rose, you absolutely /sure/?

"Yes."

"Even after..." His hearts stuttered in his chest and suddenly found the floor incredibly interesting. " You know now... What I've done."

He could hear the strain in his own voice and he hated it.

"Doctor, look at me." She commanded softly and his eyes were inexplicably drawn back to her. Her head was tilted slightly and her brow was drawn, but there wasn't the pity he expected from her. Her expression was firm but kind, and to say that he felt unworthy of the sympathy he saw in her eyes would have been an understatement.

"I've witnessed a lot since I've been with you, Doctor - my planet explodin' and Charles Dickens and- and aliens, threaten' to take over the world and kill off all of us stupid apes." She grinned at him and he couldn't help but roll his eyes. "But most importantly, the thing I've seen through all of that is this; you always gave them a choice."

 

He swallowed as he watched her expression soften. "That doesn't sound like a man who would have done what you had if there had been any other choice."

"Rose.."  
"You are a good man, Doctor, Whether you can see that or not."  
Her words floored him. "You really believe that?"

She nodded without hesitation and he felt that gaping exposure in the hardness he had encase himself in for so long grow just a little bit wider, to go just a little bit deeper.  
He was desperate to believe it as well and that damning sense of guilt and self loathing taunted him that she just hadn't known him long enough or that she was lying.

But he suddenly found that he didn't care. Or in the very least, he would allow himself to be selfish tonight and pretend that she was right. Just this once, he would allow himself to forget about all of the self hatred and blame, forget that he had taken lives and that he didn't deserve her.

She must have taken his silence as encouragement because she stepped closer and leaned up to capture the kiss he had denied her before

He kissed her back and the room titled on its axis as her presence engulfed him as it had before. He wanted to sink into her, into her very skin and never leave.  
He broke away and stared down at her, his breathing erratic to his own ears. "Just this once, Rose."

She nodded in acceptance and he could hear that her heart had suddenly began to race as she pulled away, could smell the sudden release of adrenaline that was a tell-tale sign of her nervousness, and yet she kept it from showing as she brought her hands up to cup either side of his face, moving down his neck, causing him to start at the jolt of her touch.

She was not hindered; her hands slid further over his shoulders, down his arms and back up again to trail over his chest before finally reaching the hem of his jumper. He was rooted on the spot, unable to speak while she moved and she hesitated, her eyes flickering up to meet his.

And then she took a deep breath, slid her hands up underneath the fabric and drew her fingers along his sides, dragging the jumper up along with it until he had to lift his arms for her to pull it off of him completely. The feeling of her hands on him relighted the spark that had died in him before, his body responding to her touch, and he shivered slightly when her hands returned to his chest. She moved her fingers against the exposed skin, finding her way to his stomach before fluttering down to the button of his trousers.

His hands covered hers then, and she looked up at him. He breathed her name, reached up to slide a hand back to cradle her head and he pulled her into a searing kiss, craving the taste of her.

He felt her hands flutter between them, and he pulled back to watch her fumble to untie her dressing gown, again stopping her. She looked back up at him questioningly and he took a step away, bending down to unlace his boots and stepping out of them, nudging them away with his foot, before he returned to her.

Neither of them spoke as he then reached out to give the sash she had been trying to undo a tug, pulling it free and the dressing gown came apart, revealing a trail of skin that he wanted to follow but his hand fell to his side, suddenly unsure of himself. The very nature of this was so foreign to him and the reality of what was transpiring between them left him feeling unbalanced and nervous. It had been... a very long time.  
~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/~/

As if sensing his thoughts, she reached up, her hands shaking slightly, and pulled the dressing gown from her shoulders where it slid from her body to pool around her feet, leaving her standing before him in nothing.  
Her shoulders curled inward as she blushed and her fingers played nervously against her hip as she bit her lip, her eyes downcast self-consciously.

She was astounding in her exposed state and his breathing hitched as he drank in the sight of her. Her body was curved in perfection, her breast and hips rounded in a lovely sort of definition and he ached to reach out and touch the creamy complexion of her skin.  
"Rose... " He murmured, as his eyes took in every detail of her body, from the faint scar that curved around her side and the mound of dark curls that covered the most intimate part of her, to the pink hue of her nipples and the shapely curve of her legs. "You are beautiful."

Her eyes darted up to meet his and the blush that had flooded her cheeks darkened considerably, her lips parting slightly and she drew a breath. She reached for his hand, intertwining their fingers for a moment before bringing his hand closer to her body and she rested his against the swell of her breast.

"I want you Doctor.."Her voice trembled and he swallowed as her statement sent a spike of desire to his already straining trousers. "..Touch me."

He obeyed wordlessly, almost hypnotically as his fingers slid against the curve, tracing a path that led from the underside to her nipple and back again in soft strokes. Her body tremored at the contact and she bit her lip. His thumb trailed down a few inches to tease the juncture of skin just below her breast and her body arched into his fingers.

The scent of her arousal began to fill the space between them and he could sense the increase in body temperature that flared from between her legs. It caused things to suddenly shift into perspective for him.

No longer was there worry that he was pressuring her into something she would regret; it faded along with the doubt of what he was doing and the conflict of his morals.  
A new goal blossomed to life within him and he fixated on it, causing it to drown out everything else; to bring her such pleasure that it would chase away every thought that had ever caused her to doubt herself.

He brought his other hand up and touched her shoulder, his fingers gliding over her collarbone down the valley between her breast and over her belly, and she shivered. She watched his face and took a step closer, and he bent down again to capture her mouth, his hands moving to her back as they turned and he lowered her onto the bed.

His tongue brushed against hers and he broke away for a moment, nudging her nose with his before he let his lips find purchase at her throat. He trailed them down, brushing his nose along several places that caused her to let out a soft noise and he could feel her shift as she propped herself up on her elbows.  
He stroked her left breast and nuzzled the right before taking it into his mouth, lavishing the pert bud with his tongue as he curled around it and she gasped, her back arching into him.

She ran her hand over the back of his head and neck, stroking whatever skin she could, if only to touch him in reciprocation and his body trilled at the contact. He could feel himself aching against his trousers, the sensation something new.

Sex hadn't been something that had been relevant in such a long time and the level of desire that was building up within him was almost maddening. If it hadn't been Rose who was currently underneath him, if it were anyone else whom he was making an effort to taste every inch of, he wasn't sure he would have been able to control himself.

Even after his temporary lapse in judgement that had taken him by surprise before, the shift in perspective added to the steel like resolve to maintain control over his more primal urges.  
Right in this moment, Rose was the most important thing in the universe to him. She had suddenly become the thing that he tethered himself to and cherished above everything as he moved down her body, his hands never leaving her, trying to touch her in ways that could convey just how very precious she was to him.

And the sounds that she was making in response to him became a balm to the places within him that been broken and bleeding for such a long time.  
As if the more he touched her, the more he was redeemed. Every breathy moan, every time she murmured his name or arched under his hand somehow became a consolation prize for his failures. As if by bringing her pleasure right now, he could erase all of the pain in his past.

He didn't believe in the plethora of gods that the universe offered him, but if he could find atonement for his sins in worship, then he would worship her.  
Her body trembled beneath him, her chest heaving as her breathing deepened and he looked up at her; her eyes were glazed, fingers reaching out to touch the side of his face, tracing his lips. He returned the gesture to her abdomen, his fingertips crawling their way across and then down to her hip, moving further down to stroke the skin of her parted thigh and she suddenly let out a noise that he could only describe as a whimper.

His lips replaced the fingers on her skin and he kissed over the sensitive area. Her body clenched and being so close to the source of her scent was dizzying as he turned his head inwards.  
He looked up at her and their eyes caught one another; he kept his gaze trained on hers as an intensity filled the air between them and it crackled like static. He held her captive as he lowered his mouth onto her heated flesh and his tongue slid between her to curl around the bundle of nerves that had become engorged.

He watched in a blissful fascination as her face crumpled in raw pleasure as she cried out choking, her reaction unrestrained and exposed for him. And he kept his eyes latched onto her, drinking in the sight of her in such a state. Her body tensed, her hands were gripping the sheets and she arched into him, her head falling back as he twisted his tongue around her.

He brought a hand up to run his finger down the center of her folds and her body jerked in response, causing her to release a series of soft keening noises that had his own body begging for attention.

He ignored it and repeated the gesture in an upwards stroke as he flexed the muscles of his tongue in the cocoon he had formed around the rapidly hardening cluster and she cried out louder this time. Her hips rocked up to meet his mouth and within seconds she was coming undone under the mercy of his tongue and fingers and he had never been so amazed by something in his life.

He drew her out as long as he could and she trembled and shook beneath him as she cried out a string of incoherent words; her thighs clenching around him, pulsing on his tongue as she arched and grasped, leaving him lost in the beauty of everything she was.

He watched as she surrendered herself to him and seeing her let down all of her guards, allowing him to witness her in such a vulnerable state left him reeling at the the volumes it spoke of her trust in him, shattering him in awe.

He coaxed her to completion as she finally collapsed back, gasping for air, her body quivering and fingers still clenched around the duvet. He crawled up her body slowly, his fingers touching her in a various places before he settled over her, brushing her damp hair from her face. He drew her into his arms and peppered her face with kisses as her arms shakily came up to wrap around him, clutching at his back, and he marvelled in the feel of her in his arms.

 

Rose finally caught her breath and she opened her eyes to stare up at him, and he found so much in her expression that it almost hurt in reflection of everything else he was already feeling. He swallowed the sounds of his own that were burning at the back of his throat and instead claimed her mouth hungrily, tenderly, taking his time to coax her tongue from her mouth and he danced with her in slow strokes, curling around hers in a similar fashion to the way he had to her body.

She pulled back and inhaled sharply, and she pushed him back until they were both sitting and for a moment, he feared that it had been too much; that she was pushing him away because she had been mistaken. But she proved him wrong by reaching between them to pull the button of his still present trousers open, and she leaned forward to press a lingering kiss against his shoulder.

He stood, pushing the remaining bit of clothing from his hips and he kicked them off to the side, preparing to crawl back onto the bed when she scooted closer to the edge instead. She reciprocated his earlier study of her body, her eyes trailing almost lazily over his and he could feel the weight of her gaze as it traveled. A shiver danced along his spine and as she reached out a hand as if to touch him. He caught it and shook his head.

He knelt before her, bringing the hand he held to his lips instead and he brushed a kiss against the back of, moving to do the same to the inside of her wrist.  
"I want to ... return the favor." She spoke hesitantly, as if the words were difficult to get around and that lovely blush of hers returned in full force.

"No."

"But..."

"I'm sorry, but no."

"But it’s only fair."

"That's not what this is about. Not in the least."

His thumb soothed the back of her hand and he stared up at her imploringly, opening himself up to this amazing woman in a way that he had never dared with anyone else. Suddenly his lack of clothing was only a small part of it; he was exposed in such a way that left him terrified and it must have shown on his face because she reached up to trail her hands down his neck, leaning in to nuzzle his temple, to press soft kisses down and along his jaw and he leaned into her administrations.

"I just want you to feel the way you made me feel." She murmured against his ear and his hands came up to ghost along her sides, down her back and he guided her further onto the bed as he followed. He kissed her gently, brushing his nose along her cheek.

"You already have." He pulled back and she was staring up at him, a look of doubt crossing her features. "If you had any idea the things you're making me feel right now.."

"But Doctor.."

"Hush." He murmured and drew her into another kiss, again lowering her onto her back, breaking it to whisper against her lips. "That's not what I want."

A beat passed between them before she nodded, if not a bit reluctantly, and his hand came down to grasp her hip, thumbing circles into her flesh. He settled his body over hers where she cradled his hips with her own.

His erection was pressed against her thigh and he left it there for the moment. Despite how he throbbed and ached to find relief inside of her, this was going to be something so much more than just sex and he would take his time to show her that. To show her that by offering not only her body to him, (a gift that he had no right to expect or even deserve,) but her soul as well was something he would cherish forever.  
But more than that, he would show her just how special this could be with someone who loved her the way he did.

He stared down at her as she stared back and where there might have been an awkwardness or an embarrassment at the position or the even knowledge of what was about to take place, there was only an intimacy that came from being with Rose.  
He spent a few moments simply touching her, her face, her neck and her collar bone, while she slid her hands along his back slowly, her fingers exploring it in a way that told him she was memorizing the feeling.

He leaned down and kissed the corner of her mouth again, drawing his hips back and he reached down to position himself against her, hesitating for just a moment as he brought his hand back up to cradle the side of her face. "Ready?"

She nodded, and he could feel that her heart was racing along with his own. He pressed his hips forward, sliding inside of her slowly until he was fully sheathed inside.  
The sensation of her surrounding him was glorious and he was unable to stop himself from groaning hoarsely as she inhaled sharply, her fingers stilling as she tensed around him. She was searing, her body molding around him tightly and tiny explosions were going off in very inch of his body as his senses were assaulted by sensation.

His hips were aching to began moving, but no amount of demanding need would ever cause him to put hers aside.  
She wasn't speaking, her breathing was labored and he kissed the expanse of skin the led from her ear to her throat tenderly lifting his head to stare down at her, reaching a hand to stroke her cheek.  
"Are you alright?"

She swallowed and nodded. "Its just... I've not... in a while..S-Sorry"

"Shh... don't apologize. Just tell me when you're ready."

He kissed her, teasing her bottom lip with his teeth and he reached between them, searching out that cluster of nerves, stroking her in a languid circular motion. She slowly relaxed around him as she became aroused again, and a soft moan greeted his ears in the same moment he felt a rush of heated moisture flood around him inside of her. His breathing caught in his throat at the feeling and he groaned at the effort it took not to give into the demand of his body.

She ran a hand down his spine causing a tremor to run through him and he had to bite his own lip to avoid biting her at the effect it caused. He pulled back to look at her in question and when she nodded he breathed in relief before he withdrew just enough and than sank back within her. He kept his fingers stroking her, aligning the tempo in time with the movement of his hips and the more he began to move within her, the more she relaxed underneath him.

She buried her face in his shoulder and he could feel her breath as she panted and moaned quietly into his skin, beginning to move back against him. He rocked his hips into hers and she rolled her own in time with his and so they began a rhythm that was all their own, unique to them. Their bodies wrapped around each other, moving together to try and get closer, go deeper with each penetration that never seemed to be quite enough.

He poured galaxies into her with every thrust and she spurred on the birth of supernovas in his chest as she resonated around him, her body shuddering underneath him. She still had her face pressed into his shoulder, causing all of the wonderful sounds he was coaxing from her body to go unheard.

He tilted his head down to brush along the shell of her ear to murmur, his breathing strained."Let me hear you Rose."

She trembled underneath him but her head came back to rest against the bed, her hair fanning out around her head and the sounds that escaped her throat exploded within him, his heart pounding as her drove into her further, aiming to take her higher. He bent his head to lick at her breast, his fingers still toying inside of her and her own grasped at the back of his head, crying out when he angled his hips and brushed along a particular spot inside of her.

Their bodies slid against against one another as they collided over and over and he was consumed in the feeling of her beneath him. There couldn't possibly be anything more exquisite then this, than her writhing beneath him, his names falling from her lips like stars that he stole with his lips and burnt into his heart, taking care to commit everything about this to memory.

The time war had consumed him in darkness that had bled into his soul and the more he slid into her, every time she accepted him for all that he was, it caused some of that darkness to fade just a little more. It didn't chase it away completely, (he had been in that dark for so long that it was now inevitably a part of him) but in this moment she was his sun, burning only for him.

Being inside of her was remarkable on so many more levels than just the physical pleasure it brought him, and as he moved within her, pressing his forehead against hers, he felt the culmination of it all began to build within him.  
He was left with the ability to do nothing more than bend down to capture her in another soul shattering kiss and with a particularly sharp stroke of his finger and hips, she suddenly came unraveled in his arms as he held her together. As she spasmed around him, her cries reaching inside of him and tearing into him in a beatific sort of agony, he fell apart with her, burying more into her body then just his release.

They trembled and quivered around and in one another, both gasping for air as they clung on. They struggled for some semblance of sanity and yet the insanity of it was too beautiful to surface from. They were swept up and drowning in the waves that crashed down on them mercilessly, leaving them crying out together and the constellations danced around them in celebration.

Eons and light years passed before he finally came back to his senses enough to realize that he was baring all of his weight upon her. Not without effort and a soft groan, he rolled over onto his side, pulling her with him still, buried inside of her.  
Her head was pillowed on his arm and he wrapped the other around her waist, refusing to allow any space between them as they basked in the afterglow together.

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They stayed curled around one another, neither in any hurry to return to reality. He held her for hours and neither of them spoke, because words would complicate and confuse. Words would ruin what had undeniably been perfect and they both knew it. So they held onto one another, trying to drink in the last remaining moments of this small piece of heaven they had created together. Every so often, he would stroke the expanse of her back and lean down to kiss her, and she would trail her fingertips over his forehead and down his nose, run her fingers down his side with no other purpose than to touch him.

Finally, her breathing evened out against him and he looked down to find that she had fallen asleep. He leant down and pressed a lingering kiss to her forehead in a gesture of his gratitude for what she had give him tonight. He tugged the duvet over her body and carefully extracted himself so as not to wake her. He gathered his clothes and dressed, his eyes never leaving her for long.

This wasn't going to be enough.

He had known it even as he had given in, and therefore had no illusions about his actions. He would crave her like he never had before, his brain now supplied with experience instead of fantasy to haunt him and the idea was painful; that he would never allow this again, that this one time would have to be enough.

Because if he didn't stop with this one time and allowed it go on, then when the time came for him to let her go, he wouldn't be able to. He had stopped himself this time from mutating her into some half Time Lord cross breed, manipulating her DNA into something that was no longer human so that she could stay with him for the rest of his life.

But if he allowed this to continue, to allow her get closer and to fall any more in love with her than he already was, he knew that there would be no restraint the next time.

Besides, he couldn't fathom what she would think of him if he even asked her- asked her to give up her human life with her natural human life span, for his own selfishness.  
She sighed in her sleep and curled in on herself, and he closed the door behind him softly.

~oOo~

Things changed between them after that.

They never spoke of it and there was never any ill feelings between them.

Rose had honored his "Just this once" rule and never pushed him for more. They flirted, grew closer and fell into an easy relationship where emotions grew between them and transitioned them into a state that was more than just friends with an unspoken commitment to each other blossoming in the midst.

He, of course, was terrible at hiding his jealousy regardless, and she would catch him in unguarded moments, tossing a knowing, tongue touched grin in his direction, but would always pull back from whatever situation had warranted it.

Things between them had gotten to be nearly as perfect as they ever could be and the Doctor was happy. For the first time in such a long time.

And then the game station happened.  
And again, the Daleks were at fault.  
He had sent her away, with a kiss to her forehead that only he really knew the meaning behind and the knowledge that she was safe becoming the one shining spot in a bleak void.

And then she had returned to him, and he knew.  
Knew that he had never had to worry about what she would think of him, at the lengths he would have gone to keep her with him. Because she stood before him as she burned in the brilliance of time itself; a goddess in her own right, turning his enemies to dust and blazing golden in a love that he couldn't fathom she could habor for him.  
She had lit up for him, burning brightly, brighter than any sun and he marveled.

And he knew what came next. But he accepted it and took her into his arms, breaking his own rule as he kissed her with lips that never would again, relishing the burn as he drew the vortex from her and lowered her gently to the floor.

It was later, as he stared at his own reflection, studying the new jaw line and oddly slim figure that he noticed.  
His eyes were... different.

He pulled back with a start and blinked a few times. They had been changed, but not just in color and shape. .  
It was the broken hardness that had been there since he had pressed that big red button. It still was, but it had lessened considerably and he could now see /her/ in its wake. It was a ridiculous notion, he knew logically, but then again, there wasn't much about him that wasn't.

Just like all other the aspects of his life, Rose Tyler had seeped inside of him,imprinting herself onto his heart as she now burned within him; that flame illuminated the brown and left a sort of radiance in the dark.

(She had been right after all- her amour really did bring out the color in his eyes.)


End file.
